Whooowiiieee it is a bit warm

I bet you thought I was gonna talk about the weather, maybe, and maybe not. LOL
Although we are having it a bit warm here for this time of year, 88, in May is hot.

Then I could be talking about the game we played when we were kids, you are getting warmer, warmer, warmer, now you are cold. We were hiding an object and had to tell those looking whether they were hot or cold. My grand girls like playing it with Nana. Yep, that would be me.
I think that you have this wonderful kid inside of us always. Yes, I do have my very own toy box. In fact, I went with my dd on an errand for her and found it. Or should I say I found a bigger one just for me. It is this square suitcase, an older style one and it is just perfect. I can't wait to decorate it. What is in my toy box you ask? Lets see, an origami, I spelled that wrong, little kit to make tiny little stars with instructions of coarse. It is by Klutz and they have wonderful craft kits. DD has made a few of them, I actually got it for her and I to do. Grown ups need to have fun too. Then there is my rubber ball I play with. You remember those ones when we were kids that you could really make bounce good and high. I have a couple older marbles that I love. Then I have my Duncan Yoyo. Also there is a ball that bounces great that came from Target that is like a snowball that you get a Christmas and can shake and watch it snow. This one has glitter inside and when you bounce it it goes all over and sparkles. It is quite mesmerizing. DD has 2 of them, hers are red and gold glitters and mine is a sea green. In the sunlight, they dance with movement. What would I like to add to that toy box of mine, hmmmm, lots of old wooden dominoes, some real metal jacks and the ball that went with it.
I have bubble stuff outside because I truly do love blowing bubbles. Then I have a couple of dolls given by friends. One is a cabbage patch which I am going to sew clothes for.
I think that the kid in all of us needs to have things to just go take a break with. Especially when life has tough days, or you need a break from an intense project, it gives you space to deal with those things.
I have gone to that toy box off and on in the last few months just to give myself a bright moment in the agony of pain. An activity to distract myself from the pain, I also read and watch a movie. Sometimes the pain is intense enough that I want to be out of my skin for just 5 minutes. Just 5 blissful minutes, but that hasn't been a possibility until now.
I deal with Fibromyalgia and have for almost 2 years. I have dealt with chronic pain in other areas for the last 2o years and I have learned how to deal. But this, this has been a most painful journey. Dealing with doctors who have their agenda and belief of what you need to do. They do not live with this condition. They don't call it a disease because there is not underlying condition.
Your body is in horrible pain, when you exercise it is in horrible pain, when you wake, when you sleep, there is no getting away from it. There are not a lot of answers either.
Every person is so different in how it operates in their body. What will work for one, will do nothing for another. It changes your entire life, as much as you don't want it too, there are changes you must deal with. Facing the reality can be overwhelming in ways you mind just can't comprehend at times.
For me the change has been devastating at times, I love being active and that hasn't been how my life has been. I love to garden and ride my bike and play and run with my grand girls. I like to sew and read and help with projects around my house. I don't mind vacuuming and cleaning, nope not been happening. So I talk to some dear sweet friends, and you know who you are, that have encouraged me, sent me needed info, just been there for me in ways I cannot even explain. They have gotten me through the days when I have wanted to give up, when the thought of this for the rest of my life is more than I can even comprehend or think about. They have encouraged me with trying new avenues of medications. Because of them, my pain has been lessened this week.
I asked to be put on Nuerontin, it helps some with the pain. I do still take pain meds but nothing like I was. I have woken up for 5 days in a row without excruciating pain. I can breath a bit again. Then there is my fear, fear that this will only work for a bit and then the shoe will drop again. Why am I so willing to believe that and not that this is the answer for me and a blessing in my life. A book I was reading made this comment about why do you believe it is "always winter and never Christmas" I had to truthfully think about that one. Why is it easier to wonder when the shoe will drop instead of believing that this is an answer, a blessing in my life.
So I am beginning to again make the choices to be grateful, thankful for every moment.
To appreciate those blessings in my life in the midst of the pain. I realize that in doing this I am changing my thinking as well. It has been rather stinky for a time here. When pain becomes the driving force, you truthfully try to stay the coarse, to believe for the changes, to hope and dream. You do not know if they will come but you believe for them. And some days there is no hope, no ability to be able to dream, only the pain. In those times I remember where my hope truly is, it is in the One who knows exactly where I am at and has been there before me. Who comforts my broken heart and holds me in His arms. Who gentle uses others to keep me going and giving me hope, to not give up and to continue on. I truly am a firm believer in community, that that can be your friends on the Internet, your neighbors, those who are family to you. Family doesn't have to be blood because there are so many in my life that aren't blood to me who are truly my family. Don't get my wrong, I dearly love my family and their continuous support. The hardiest part of this journey has been asking for help. Humbling myself and biting the bullet at times. I have been the one to give and to be there for others. This is humbling.
Like my nurse practioner told me, you have given for years, let others give into your life's. For those of you who have helped me with this, thank you.
And so I continue on believing for another day and for hope to get walking on.