December 14, 2011

It has been forever since I have written  here, after getting a person who couldn't keep their thoughts to themselves, I let them chase me off.  Now how dumb was that.

I read another friends blog, she hasn't been on for a while, but she reminded me how much I like to just plain write.  Screw what anyone thinks, this isn't about them, it is about me.

The crazy up and downs of my days, the challenge of dealing with a disease that isn't recognized as a disease, trying out new things to help, being challenged when they don't work, having break down days to grieve where I am at, then pick myself up and go again.  Had a couple of friends back in my life, they were missing for a while because their lives had some challenges, glad to have them back again.  A support system is a most for all of us, mine is rather small but it is all I can handle. 

Having energy to do what I want to, I think is one of the biggest challenges. 
Like this Christmas, truly not having the energy to decorate like I like to, having to take a look at the fact that I needed a change this year, that is okay not to do what I have done in the past.  Less stress on myself that way, but trying to figure out what I did want to do, good grief, it has taken me the last 2 weeks....it will be Christmas before I am done.  And guess what, that is finally okay.

As my parents are getting older, I am dealing with the loss that is to come.  Nothing will truly prepare for that day I can't pick up the phone and be able to talk to them.  I was able to go have Thanksgiving with my family this year and I treasured every minute of it.  You begin to recognize the fact that it won't be all that long  before you are the oldest ones in your family...now I am not saying they are on their death beds, but time truly does march on when you least expect it.

I think that this Christmas has been a time of reflecting for me.  Remembering Christmas's past, the enjoyable memories that have gone with them.  Like my parents having a Santa trap, that they would leave a boot in, it was red and green, looked kinda like an animal one, just simple.  I think my brother has it now, it made us laugh, we still had it out when I was a teenager.  The smell of a real Christmas tree.  Oh how I miss that this year.  We have artifical one, but trust me, if I had the bucks, I real one it would sooooo be.  I am thankful for the artifical one, just need to decorate it.  I guess it doesn't count if you just have it out.....lol.  Hey, I told you, it might take me till Christmas.  I do have lights up, which is making these darker days out much more cheery.  It gets dark quick further north.  Soon the days will be adding minutes at a time and the dark doesn't last long....when it snows, it is so very bright.

I so had to laugh at myself a couple weeks back when I was bemoaning the fact that it didn't seem like Christmas yet without the snow.  Now mind you, I was not raised in snow country and have only been here ten years, rain was what we got.....lol.  So too be bemoaning no snow like I have, had me laughing.  I also realised how much I truly do like the four seasons.  Now if we would only get them.....lol.

So for now, going to go one day at a time.  Today was just letting myself curl up with a good book, warm blanket and relax.  I think I need to do that more often, instead of beating myself up for what I can't do.  Hey I am still alive and kicking and that, my friends, counts!!!!!